The day the Celtic manager became media-proof

There were many observations – a lot of them ignorant – on Gordon Strachan’s walking out on the Celtic Park media conference on Friday. (Notably Saturday’s Football Focus misrepresented the issue before being corrected)

For those who don’t know by now, having agreed with the media that there would be no discussions on his future at Celtic for the Sunderland manager’s post, BBC Scotland’s Chris McLaughlin decided to ask: “Do you see your long-term future at Celtic?”

What was on McLaughlin’s mind, only he can answer. Was he having a brain-dead moment? Was he trying to be antagonistic? Broadcast or print journalists are rarely expected to respond to such speculation.

And, ironically, the question came after Gordon had insisted on maintaining a gentleman’s agreement, despite others having leaked information on a managers’ meeting to the press.

But Strachan’s upset was clear: “When I give you respect, I don’t get it back.”

He didn’t mention his counterpart at Ibrox (and probably wasn’t thinking about him). But it must irk the Celtic manager that a special level of disdain is reserved for the incumbent in that role in a Scottish media that fawns over anyone who happens to occupy the Ibrox hotseat.

It has always been this way in living memory and Celtic managers have responded in a variety of ways. Alex Ferguson remarked how Jock Stein gathered information on the hacks who followed Celtic around, often making reference to their secret vices just within their earshot.

Billy McNeill famously punched Gerry McNee, who had been so thin-skinned on hearing some implied criticism of his work that he foolishly suggest Billy discuss it with him outside.

Kenny Dalglish moved media conferences to the Celtic social club and had inveterate liar and embittered Celtic critic Hugh Keevins forcibly ejected.

But, when the press held power, many Celtic fans were sadly misled – goaded into abusing the key figures at Celtic by reporters and editors with an all-too-obvious agenda.

Josef Venglos was subjected to humiliating abuse, as was John Barnes, while a torrent of criticism was directed at McNeill, Dalglish, Jock Brown (yes, he was human too), Fergus McCann and latterly Strachan. Even Martin O’Neill was attacked for putting his arm round Neil Lennon in a show of support.

However, I sense that something has changed. With the advent of the internet bringing numerous Celtic sites and forums to fans’ computers, not to mention better-quality sports coverage from non-Scottish titles, supporters have choices. And increasingly, that choice is to make up our own minds, discarding the vacuous pronouncements of the fourth estate with the contempt they generally so fully merit.

Walter Smith or David Murray need not fear criticism from the press because unwritten codes prohibit such comment.

But with Strachan’s defiance, there was a sense of confidence. Perhaps there was a realisation that the Scottish media have damaged their credibility irreparably with Celtic fans to the extent that all their jibes, spin, and venom are utterly irrelevant.

Celtic fans will still criticise the club and certain people when they feel the need to. The debate between us will continue to be vociferous.

But as far as those reporters, writers, subs and editors who think of themselves as bona fide journalists are concerned, they might as well be talking to themselves.

Friday 5th December 2008 – the day the Celtic manager became media-proof.





--

Celtic need that Conan Spirit

Crush your enemies, see them driven before you; hear the lamentation of their women

Conan the Barbarian

Enjoyable as it has been to witness fans of our smaller rivals surrender the SPL, we would do well to remember that rumours of our fourth consecutive title are premature.

Competitive European football is now a memory, with a Champions League visit from our friends at Villarreal little more than a prestige friendly, and the time is now to look forward.

Looking as objectively as any Celtic fan can – and noting a fascinating piece of statistical analysis by Pablo 5 on Celtic Underground (one that will surely be copied in every red-top in the country) – the omens are good.

We have a lead of seven points, the best squad in the country, we are anticipating the return to fitness of some of our best players and we have a promise that the squad will be strengthened in the January transfer window, playing under one of the best managers in the UK.

Meanwhile, our most respected and professional competitors (Hibs, Hearts, Aberdeen, Dundee Utd, Falkirk, Caley Thistle, Motherwell, Hamilton, St Mirren) are just some of those who may lose some of their top talent in the new year.

But there is nothing more dangerous in football (outside of visiting Rangers fans) than complacency and that makes me worry when I hear talk of the treble and breaking British records (In fairness to Gary Caldwell, that was tabloid spin on very reasonable comments).

The trouble with too many people telling you that the league is won is that sometimes the wrong people believe it.

A seven-point lead can evaporate in football faster than you can blow a fortune on Deal or No Deal – a couple of draws and the picture can look very different. And winter football is notoriously turgid, where nil-nils thrive along with all the other bugs.

Seven points, at this stage, is no more than a platform. What is needed now is absolute ruthlessness, a revelling in crushing the ambitions of our rivals. None of them will stand back and applaud us to the title.

You could call it the Conan spirit. After all, why should all the barbarians be on the other side?

• Well done to Gordon for telling the punters where to go as they tried to goad him into discussing leaving the club after they had been asked not to. Tomorrow's rags will no doubt carry headlines "Strachan refuses to rule out Sunderland move"
  

--

Gers reach for the stars with celebrity swoop

The rest of Britain might be feeling the pinch but, while the credit crunch bites elsewhere, Rangers are dancing with the stars.

The Glasgow club’s celebrity fans reads like a Hollywood A-list and now one of the most illustrious of that elite band is to join the club.

Darts ace Andy Fordham is to join Kenny McDowall and Ally McCoist as club conditioning coach, bringing his Celebrity Fit Club secrets to the stars of Ibrox.

Having lost 17st, Andy has some handy pointers to pass on with programmes that will be tailored to individuals.

His input is already being tipped to turn the Ibrox heroes of today into the international superstars of tomorrow – and home-grown talent will benefit the most.

One early beneficiary could be Charlie Adam, who Walter Smith expects to be transformed from left-back to legend.

Said an Ibrox insider: “Andy immediately identified Charlie as someone he could help. He was amazed at the similarities between their diets and fitness regimes. One of the first things Andy will do is recommend that Charlie adopt his trick of cutting out the daily 23 lagers and lamb bhoona. Andy has also suggested he swap his training couch for an exercise bike.”

“His sale value could rocket before January though we are under no pressure to sell our players.”

It is expected that others could benefit, too, with a weight-loss programme likely to ease the pressure on Allan McGregor’s knees, which we understand are nevertheless in perfect condition.

But our source was quick to emphasise that every player has a tailored fitness regime and that some are already at optimum fitness.

“Some guys – like Kris Boyd – are just naturally fit. For Kris, the lager and kebabs actually help him reach peak form due to his unique metabolism. He is market ready right now, though only a major offer would land him and we don’t want to sell.”

If the news from Murray Park is exciting, it’s just the first of many ventures that add glitz and glamour to an already illustrious club.

We can exclusively reveal that talks are underway to engage celebrity chef and former Rangers reserve Gordon Ramsay to pop in to offer anger management training and relationship advice.





--

Plans leaked for Rangers BBC protest

At some personal risk, one of our contacts has obtained a pre-issue copy of the planned itinerary and code of conduct for the next Rangers supporters' protest at the BBC. We would like to stress that no civil servants or senior parliamentary figures were involved.

BBC Scotland Protest – Dec 20th 2008 – 12.45PM – Outside BBC Scotland HQ Pacific Quay

Brothers and sisters, As many of you will know, we the Loyal followers of Rangers Football Club have been denigrated and depicted as animals by Republican Romanists in the Scottish media and their counterparts across the continent.

Every right-thinking individual knows that we are a happy-go-lucky, dignified, honourable group of men and women and we have taken this stand to demonstrate that we will not be portrayed as racists, bigots or sectarian thugs – especially by Papes, Fenians, Timmies and former pupils of apartheid educational establishments – and are prepared to use force as a last resort to make this point clear.

The joint command of the Rangers Volunteer Freedom Defence Fighters have issued the following statement outlining conduct to be followed at all times and a handy programme of events for our peaceful assault on Pacific Quay.

11.00: Assembly – Bears will assemble in good order at the Govan Orange Halls

1130: Parade on the Queen’s highway towards Pacific Quay. (The precise route will be as follows: O’Halloran’s Butchers (spending no more than 15 minutes. Beware of broken glass), St Gerards RC Church, Our Lady of Consolation RC Primary, St Patrick’s RC Church, Lloyd’s Pharmacy, Subway (Sandwich shop – NOT the Undergound this time), Glasgow RC Cathedral, BBC HQ in Pacific Quay. Time is limited so stops at these points on the route will have to be minimal. Be warned.
We have been advised that Papists and Celtic supporters hell-bent on disrupting our protest may be within these churches in large numbers provocatively practising the Sunday Mass and making various religious gestures. Rise above them!
And DO NOT partake of refreshment at their bread and wine stalls!

1245: Peaceful Protestantism at BBC HQ. Several events have been planned and thanks go to all who have contributed to the organisation as well as our many celebrity fans.

1300: There will be a mass recitation of the news bulletin completely exonerating Rangers of any wrongdoing by UEFA in the disappointed voice of Kheredine Idessane. This will be led by former Ranger Bob Malcom (FTP), who is having his hair specially styled for the occasion.

1315: There will be a minute’s silence for those who lost their dignity for the cause. Special remembrances of the day: Donald Findlay and Andy Goram (whose bar is sponsoring the armbands).

1317: (to be confirmed) Depending on how long the minute’s silence takes, we will then be treated to a stand-up comedy routine by celebrity Bluenose Colin Montgomerie. He will also be signing copies of his book, Smiling in Adversity

1330: Hell’s Burger Stand – Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay will exhibit his special meat and two veg. (Thanks go to Sisters, Mrs Wilomena Wright and her daughters Chardonnay and Blossom Hill, who have agreed to accommodate and entertain Gordon).

1400: Special message from world famous Bluenose Mr S Connery from the Marbella Loyal RSC, who is to send a video message highlighting 007 points.

1415: Sean Connery will then be repudiated as an enemy of the union with an all-too-suspiciously sounding Timmy name

1500: Guest star, Bluenose and anti-drugs campaigner Marti Pellow will lead the singing with a specially-penned version of Ulster, Just Say No. It is hoped the crowd will join him in community singing of “Wishing I was lucky”

1530: Irish flag/Celtic shirt burning

1540: Run like *&$% to try to catch the end of the Rangers game

NOTES

• Throughout the day, Jimmy Spratt and Northern Ireland Culture Minister Gregory Campbell will be on hand to offer personal hygiene advice to the Manchester and Barcelona heroes.

• Beware Timposters and infiltrators! We have already had to deal with an enquiry from a couple claiming to be Bluenoses named Rose and Harry, before an eagle-eyed volunteer spotted that this could be contracted to the Rosary! We have also dispensed with the services of Mr Chapel.

• We have been legally advised by our legal advisers against exercising our right to free speech by singing the Famine Song, as this may tend to open us to criticism. As a compromise, we have decided that old favourites A Father’s Advice and the Billy Boys will be sung to the tunes of Sloop John B and Home on the Range respectively. We are confident that this cannot be portrayed in any negative way.

• Robust protesters (all you Lambeg drummers out there) are especially welcome to carry banners. A 3mx2m monitor displaying the offensive headline: "Rangers in Union Flag row" will be carried and ceremonially disconnected, at which point it will be pelted with beer bottles in a controlled and peaceful manner.

All in all, it should be a great day out where Bears come together to stand up for our culture, dignity and parity of esteem.





--

Who to back - Lawwell or the legend?

Feeling compelled to criticise your club is an unpleasant endeavour at the best of times. Finding that some of your views are shared by Charlie Nicholas, can just make you feel dirty.

So we are presented with a dilemma. Who would you back – the former idol of the terraces who quite rightly points out that Celtic were ill-prepared for the recent European football campaign, or the suit, who finally snapped and hit back in a bitter personal dispute?

Well, for me, that’s a no-contest. I don’t like some of the decisions that have been taken at Celtic lately and I like even less the attempts to manage the expectations and opinions of the fans.

But Peter Lawwell, like everyone who rises to the top in commerce, is a survivor. Charlie Nicholas, on the other hand – like most former Celts in the media – can most kindly be described as a buffoon.

His latest bitch that "Lawwell's ego has become so big he has forgotten the true soul of the club, the fans," at least allows us a laugh. Nicholas has many qualities – but he will never have to fear accusations of modesty. This is a man who has been known to list himself in the list of Celtic legends.

We also don’t need to dwell too long on the quality of this pundit’s judgement. After all, when faced with the first possibility to jump ship from the club you claim to love, where you had been given the opportunity to fulfil your dreams (and yes, for a short time, he was very, very good), should you:

A – Stay for another year out of loyalty
B – Go to Liverpool, the most successful club in Europe
C – Join perennial challengers Manchester United, the biggest club in Britain
D – Sign for Arsenal, a team going nowhere, in the belief that you are so fab you will single-handedly make them world-beaters while visiting London’s glitziest clubs?

Charlie’s choice is now as legendary as “and-Smith-must-score” – but who could blame him for having his head turned? By that time he had already been modelling white slip-ons and pleated trousers for the Evening Times and giving fashion tips advising young men to reallocate the resources of their sock drawer.

It says much of Charlie’s ability to waste his own talent that the most significant contribution he made to any team was to Aberdeen and yet he barely rates a mention among the Dons heroes.

Having steadfastly refused to return to Celtic because “that would be a backward step”, he eventually did come back to a team that would be eliminated from the UEFA Cup by Xamax Neuchâtel – a team so bad that, even following a 5-1 defeat in Switzerland, there was hope that Celtic could yet qualify.

An early penalty miss at Celtic Park from – you guessed it, Charlie Nicholas – put paid to those ambitions. That said, an aggregate win over Germinal Ekeren can hardly be discounted in perusing the European achievements of that team of Charlie’s.

The final benchmark on Nicholas’s return was the manner in which he was outshone by a Frank McAvennie whose own second stint at Celtic (we had beaten Partick thistle to his signature) came after years of boozing, cocaine abuse and with an ankle that had been smashed to pieces by Chris Kamara.

However, Nicholas is not alone in believing too strongly in his own greatness. Having, for years, rubbed shoulders with Rodney Marsh, who thinks his talent comparable to George Best’s, he found a spiritual home at SkySports TV.

And something about media punditry seems to turn Celtic players into idiots who take pleasure in putting the boot into the team. Alan McInally (he played for Bayern Munich, you know) made the flesh creep with his nauseating sycophancy in trying to win over Rangers supporters.

Murdo MacLeod – the epitome of “boy done good” sports broadcasting – also revels in opportunities to roundly condemn Celtic while being far more circumspect with his comments on Glasgow’s smaller team. Davie Provan gives the impression of a man who is embittered by everything while Craig Burley deludes himself that he is still widely loved and admired for his modest skills.

MacLeod and Provan at least can have genuine claims of making a sustained and outstanding contribution to Celtic. John Hartson, as yet appears to have resisted the tradition of unfairly criticising Celtic to win over Rangers fans, though anyone who writes columns for Scotland’s tabloids will rightly be viewed with some suspicion.

And, of course, Bertie Auld has recently joined in with his comments, probably designed to promote his book. In Auld’s case, at least no-one can doubt his desire to see Celtic prosper and his place as an all-time great will never be challenged.

But that is where Lawwell and Nicholas really don’t stand comparison. Whatever your opinion of some of his decisions, it is undeniable that Lawwell is one of the best in his field and has made a huge contribution to Celtic’s recent (and hopefully future) success. He may never be accorded legendary status but the empirical evidence suggests that his importance to Celtic dwarfs that of middle-rung players like Nicholas and Burley.

It is true that ex-players have every right to express their opinions, even if it is remarkable that the same behaviour is almost never given page space when the subject is Rangers.

When those comments seem to be exclusively the embittered rantings of players turned media whores, they should expect a response.

Nicholas 0-1 Lawwell
(Missed pen. - Nicholas)





--