The inalienable right of the Hun to sing the Hokey Cokey

A few years ago, I was passing a pub when I overheard a conversation between two men. It became clear that one was advising the other on his heroin habit, summarising by saying: “Listen, get oantae the drink; get affae the drugs – and stop aw this pish!”

On first hearing snippets of this sage advice, some might have sneered at its crass nature. For sure, alcohol can be – and often is – a desperately destructive drug. But it is presented in many a benign form, its consumption is ingrained in the social and religious cultures of millions of people worldwide, and it is relished in its many forms across the social spectrum from cherry brandy to tonic wine.

And yet wasn’t there something in those words of street wisdom? Addicts, after all, often replace one destructive behaviour with another less hazardous obsession.

So why shouldn’t someone suggest that a sometimes dangerous, potentially damaging and often obnoxious – but socially accepted – vice would be an almost desirable alternative to something with the even greater attendant physical dangers and social tragedies associated with heroin?

Such thoughts echoed around what was once my mind in recent days, when the right of loyal Rangers supporters to sing the Hokey Cokey became newspaper hot gossip.

Trying to understand the culture of the archetypal Rangers fan is a soul-destroying fool’s errand. For sure, we know that there are thousands of decent, respectable inoffensive football fans amongst them. It is equally clear that those who are not an acute embarrassment to the sport are being lost among the increasingly loud and aggressive drone of the collective moron that assembles itself in the name of Rangers FC.

Suffice it to say that these are the very people whose culture provided the basis for the development of the American Redneck, a “glorious lack of sophistication”.

On the internet, their hatred and prejudices are laid bare, with any whose appreciation of irony might warn of impending embarrassment banned from the forums.

For example, what religious education has to do with Rangers, only a bigot could explain but it seems to creep into every second forum thread or article by the Rangers illiterati.

Do fans of other clubs obsess on the “sectarian” or “apartheid” youth organisations that meet their approval, despite separating young children on the grounds of religion?

When displaying their hatred of the Irish Catholic community in Scotland, do they ever wonder if they might be asked the question: “What part of Scotland is Ulster?”

Do any of them consider that in singing, “The famine’s over, why don’t you go home?” they are denigrating their own fans and families? Probably not.

Do they ever ponder how they might logically navigate their aggressive rejection of Nil By Mouth (who dared to challenge sectarianism), while at the same time claiming that NBM’s ridiculously flawed condemnation of the word “Hun” made the term “officially sectarian”? Well, we’re talking about the Huns here, after all.

In the last 18 months or so, we have seen Rangers fans contribute the single strongest argument for creationism in demonstrating their ability to defy the forces of evolution. 25 years after the most appalling display of football thuggery, pre-Heysel, they celebrated the anniversary by again embarrassing the nation they claim to love in Barcelona.

And of course, May 2008 was the occasion in which the most vile display of hooliganism, post-Heysel, was manifest in the celebration of Rangers values that was the Manchester UEFA Cup Final.

Today, their celebration of culture stems around besmirching the name of Jock Stein and defaming companies by associating them with the Rangers form of racist banter.

So imagine their joy when they discovered that the old favourite, the Hokey Cokey was alleged to have its origins in mockery of the Catholic Mass. Some might have mused on the nature of a country in which such abuse becomes so ingrained in the culture that it is taught to children.

But, instead, the combined creative and intellectual powers of Rangers have revelled in their ability to try to offend in a novel way – and fight for their right to do so, brothers!

Is this a desirable trait? No. Would it be better if they just tried to sing some positive songs that didn’t celebrate the principles of ethnic cleansing or religious intolerance? Absolutely.

But seriously, given the alternatives, like the advice to the drug addict mentioned before, isn’t the lesser of two evils that Huns should celebrate and define their identity through the Hokey Cokey, that is presuming that they can multi-task enough to perform the actions and remember the words at the same time?

In the words of Homer Simpson: let the baby have its bottle.

Who knows – they might even develop a sense of humour.
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A present for our hosts on Saturday - a cut-out-and-keep Christmas mask






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EXCLUSIVE: McGeady story sparks tension at crisis-hit Herald

EXCLUSIVE

Only one winner between old guard and ‘Young Turd’

It was the story every sports journalist had been waiting for. Known only to an elite few who browsed the internet from around 9pm on Saturday, The Herald’s Monday edition exclusively revealed that an incident had taken place shortly after Celtic’s draw with Hearts (originally described as a defeat in the newspaper story).

Having caught the rest of the recycled paper part of the industry on the hop, Herald Chief Sportswriter Hugh “Scoop” MacDonald seemed to have scored a coup for his team-mates.

However, we can exclusively reveal that the result has been internecine tension at the crisis-hit Herald.

An impeccable source, speaking on condition of anonymity said: “Darryl is fizzing. I mean how else can you describe the bubbles from his mouth and nose. He feels let down by Hugh.
“He always thought of Hugh as a kindly uncle who would offer professional guidance, try to teach him a bit of punctuation now and then and make constructive suggestions, such as what he should write and how he should write it.
“Then Hugh goes and breaks the only news story The Herald has turned up in the last three years and doesn’t even let Darryl share a byline. You’d have to ask if there’s an agenda.”

Emotions are running high at the troubled title, which has announced that almost all of its editorial staff are at risk of redundancy, prompting some to fear for their jobs.

Our source said: “We all expected Hugh to walk but now it seems that he has notions of breaking news stories before he goes. That can only undermine the rest of the sports desk staff.”

However, we can also reveal that Chief Football Writer Broadfoot, known as “Bombscare” due to his tendency to lose concentration at the most crucial times, is unbelievably one of the highest-paid members of staff at the paper. Said our mole: “He kept getting pay rises to ‘keep him happy’. He even got a rise in return for turning down a transfer to Record PM. It was all very Bobo Balde.”

Now the battle lines have been drawn and it seems that a parting of the ways is imminent but our source revealed that Broadfoot has good reason to worry:

“The trouble is that Darryl has burned a lot of bridges. It all started when he started dating pop stars like Michelle McManus. She seemed to have gone to his head.”

Now, however, having fallen out with predecessor Jim Traynor, the man who once tried to sign him for the PM, Broadfoot’s options are limited. He could theoretically remain at the Herald on reduced terms and conditions or try his luck elsewhere. However, it is thought that his lack of proficiency in English may be a handicap. A move to the internet has not been ruled out.

Both camps seemed to have passed the point of no return last night, with a reconciliation unlikely.

A source close to Broadfoot was recently heard to say: “MacDonald’s values are from the last century. [Darryl] has revolutionised sports journalism with his unique big-page-red-top style. [Darryl] can get exclusives any time I want. No less than a Knight of the Realm has assured [him] that I can have as many stories as I want.”

Friends of MacDonald said he was upset by developments.

“Hugh is adamant he has done no wrong. He was given the story by a guy – we’ll call him Mr M – on strict conditions: ‘Don’t let that wee turd Broadfoot anywhere near it.’ What else could he do?”

It now appears that Broadfoot is having his tantrum in public, ruining the story with clumsy prose. Ultimately, whoever wins, The Herald will be the loser from this undignified spat.

The Herald declined to comment officially.





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Koki Mizuno – Celtic’s rising son

Regardless of the result in our final match of the year, Scottish champions Celtic will be SPL leaders when 2009 begins, thanks to a 3-0 win over Falkirk that was far more difficult than the scoreline indicates.

That victory arrived courtesy of one of the most impressive debut performances from a Celtic player in many years. Koki Mizuno has had just a few opportunities as a substitute since his signing in January, showing flashes of quality that offered great hope for the future.

However, the circumstances of his first start only accentuate the quality of a performance that will be the benchmark for young debutants everywhere. At the end of our “difficult week”, few players would choose for their opportunity to come in December amid gale force winds in a half-complete stadium that is fully at the mercy of the elements.

Add to that the fact that Celtic had dropped five points in the last two games – not to mention the fact that the player wide on the left of midfield would be the most keenly scrutinised – and you have the sort of pressure that invariably either brings out the best in a young player or causes them to choke. Mizuno drew on a rare mixture of industry, quality, intelligence and perhaps most importantly first-class professionalism to produce a performance that would be worthy of an established star at the top of his game.

Mizuno’s one major mistake came early in the first half when he was easily robbed of the ball in the left-back position but he was continually willing to spend time in his own penalty box to assist the defence. His athletic qualities were demonstrated by his burst of pace to score on the 90th minute, having tracked back so often, and the manner in which he so often beat defenders to the ball without ever looking as if he was straining to reach top speed.

The memorable video-byte will be of Mizuno’s goal, hurdling a tackle to then outpace Falkirk’s last defender, fend off the predictable foul and still finish with all the control of a well-struck penalty. However, even more impressive was his passing and movement.

The ability to “find spaces” is often attributed to top players who can marry athleticism with a superior ability to anticipate the flow of play in a match. But the outstanding aspect of Mizuno’s performance was his vision and range of perfectly-weighted passes that created many opportunities for his team-mates. Dare one say it, his use of the ball was reminiscent of Paul McStay.

It is early days for such high praise but Mizuno did turn in what was arguably the best showing in the left of Celtic’s midfield this season and should surely have been a contender for man-of-the-match, despite the excellent work done by Scott McDonald.

Now can he play to that standard every time? If he can, a star is born.





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