Where's Warbo? And just what's going on at Ibrox?

One of my most embarrassing days as a Celtic fan came in March 1994.

After much fan unrest, press derision and scoffing by our big-spending city rivals, the club called a press conference to say they had pulled a very big rabbit out of a magic hat.

Despite all suspicions that the Board of Directors were dishonest, incompetent buffoons lining their own pockets while Celtic disintegrated, we were told that the most improbable of plans for a £50m stadium had the green light.

Where's Warbo?

I can still hear Patrick McNally's voice replying “Gefinor”, when asked who had put up the funding for the project.

Of course, within days it had become clear that there was no funding, no stadium – only the pathetic folly of men who knew the ball was on the slates.

My youthful self learned a few things then about taking anything at face value when it doesn't seem to fit with the available facts – and that people under the most extreme pressure act differently.

When they know the game is up, they will put their last grand on 32-Red to try to save their house and, of course, the ball inevitably lands on 0-Green.

And, somehow, the surreal events in Scottish football since Anthony Stokes equalised for Hibernian and then David Gray delivered the Hibs their first Scottish Cup for 114 years seem reminiscent of that fateful time in 1994.

That's not to say that the Scottish game has been short on surrealism in recent times. From Whyte to Green to King, the Fit-&-Proper criminal. From the company that was never a club that never died, though the new club and the old club co-existed and King of the new same club suggested reversing the liquidation of the old same club.

From Apocalypse to Armageddon, from football dreams to fighting on the field; we've had all this and so much more.

But on Saturday, the violins started to be played to the strains of Stadivarious c.1994.

So The Rangers lost – nothing new there, nor in the bit of thuggery at the end. And the bleating: well, it's to be expected.

But watching the eerie light from phones pointing to Jim Traynor as he read out his statement explaining that the players couldn't receive their medals because they had been assaulted, something wasn't right.

Primarily, it was too soon after the events. Often that's a sign that something has been pre-planned but clearly not in this case, unless you believe that the actions of thousands of fans was orchestrated.

No, but when there is genuine alarm, events tend to take a different turn. Firstly, the most important thing is to make sure everyone is accounted for and in a place of safety. That will most likely include guests and loved ones of the entire party, so as to reassure the players and staff.

Then there will be a consultation with police, match officials, stadium security, the SFA and, almost certainly, the sponsors, who expect full bang-for-their-buck.

Typically, briefings are informal because the club communications people have to establish the facts and liaise with their SFA counterparts. Holding statements – brief summaries of the club's position that commit to little – are released.

And then, when the dust settles, decisions have been made and order restored, there will be a press conference. A proper one – not one man in a darkened room reading out a statement he has just put together, when he could not possibly have taken all of the aforementioned steps

Add to that that not one club official or player has commented on the game – unprecedented in my lifetime of watching football – and there is room for suspicion that Jim Traynor's statement was not relaying facts or genuine concerns but, instead, was moving quickly (a little too quickly) to create the media narrative.

What was the reason? We don't yet know. Did one of those victimised players or officials have a rush of blood and do something he expected to get into serious trouble for (who was the official aiming a kick at a supporter)?

Did Traynor know that the club was facing disaster due to the loss of potential Europa League revenue and season ticket sales, as some have suggested?

What we do know is that the Ibrox spin machine went haywire in claiming victimhood.

We were even told that every single Rangers player and official was assaulted, which had already been refuted before that statement was made.

What are we supposed to believe – that Kenny Miller, who Anthony Stokes praised for sportingly congratulating every Hibs player in their dressing room – has no words for the supporters after what will surely be his last Scottish Cup final?

That Mark Warburton is similarly derisive of the club's fans after a season in which they have just been promoted?

That not one player has agreed to talk to the media? If that is the case, there are only two conceivable reasons – that they have been warned to shut up or that they, collectively, have refused to say what the club wants them to say.

And then they signed self-confessed, Celtic-supporting, IRA-sympathising, Rangers-baiting, Royal-hating Joey Barton on £100,000-a-month*– and only Davie Weir is there to greet him.

Is this one last despairing move to shift season tickets to try to keep the club solvent? Does the club know that an insolvency event will render his contract meaningless? Or is his salary being paid by Gefinor?

The Ibrox club management have shown themselves incapable of financial governance and, at the same time, made the game ungovernable.

But could the “Big House” of cards finally be about to fall down?

*The original version of this said £100k-a-week. Thanks to the readers who pointed out the typo.
--

Lovable lazy goal machine Stokes providing all the wrong answers

THE BENCHMARK: Stokes takes a much-needed rest.

Like everything else, it was Ronny Deila's fault.

With a  team struggling for goals up front – that didn't come from Leigh Griffiths – Ronny looked to Nadir Çiftçi, who only marginally failed to live up to his name as the lowest point in the heavens.

Then he signed Carlton Cole – a striker recruited in a move reminiscent of Gordon Strachan's capturing of Dion Dublin. In fairness, Cole's record of eight goals in the previous two seasons eclipsed Dublin's tally of five in the two years prior to signing for the Hoops.

But they were both signed to bring “experience” – AKA a lack of pace – to the forward line and educate younger players from memory on the training ground. It would be unfair to compare Cole unfavourably to Dublin until our current star returns from leave and has had another seven games in which to match Dublin's goal tally of one.

By these standards, our current feint hope, Colin Kazim-Richards, is positively prolific with a whopping 12 goals since 2013, albeit having failed to score at all for approximately 12 months prior to that.

All of which should seem to point inexorably to Anthony Stokes, who had become increasingly frustrated by Ronny's “mystifying” decision to overlook his precocious talent, sometime effort and occasional anti-social behaviour.

It can't be easy being Stokes, balancing being a full-time Irish Republican hero with a part-time career as a professional footballer. Which of us hasn't felt moved to express public condolences for a friend who just happened to be a senior figure in the Real IRA?

Who among us has had to contend with a father barring the queen from his family boozer? Who hasn't seen an Elvis impersonator and wanted to grab him by his sideburns, leaving him all shook up?

So much for empathy – what about the player who, in the past, has rejected an offer to sign for Celtic under Gordon Strachan, withdrawn from an international squad because he was “tired”, been given a serious warning by Neil Lennon and overlooked by Ronny Deila?

It's fair to say that the weekend hasn't been a dream one for Stokesy. Having failed to add to his two championship goals in the League Cup final, it can hardly have cheered him to read Martin O'Neill's comments in the Irish Independent.

"It's important that he's back playing again," said O'Neill, "Anthony won't mind me saying 'Anthony is Anthony' - he's a talented player and I would say possibly (one of the) three laziest players I've ever seen. Lazily talented or talented lazily. I'm never sure which way it goes.

"Stokesey has got ability. He has been with me in a lot of squads before he had the altercation with Elvis."

It will be interesting to see how those fans who claimed to be flummoxed by his exclusion from Celtic squads react to such a frank dressing down from a manager whose stock is still high amongst the majority of supporters.

"Stokesie will not be happy now, I know this. You have ruined my relationship with him. Sorry, I have ruined my relationship with him," O'Neill quipped, like a man not overly perturbed by the potential loss of such mercurial talent.

The words of John Hughes – who, as a player, demonstrated how to make the best possible use of his abilities through hard work, determination and professionalism – must be echoing round the echo chamber that is Stokesy head:

“I then said to him – and I know this myself – 'When you leave Glasgow Celtic the only way is down, trust me son. Trust me. Do me another favour son. Go get yourself as fit as you can, get your head down and let your football do the talking'.”

Celtic's problems up front remain but it can safely be said that “Stokesy has left the building”.
--

Stokes lack of ambition befuddles Matt Lindsay

Befuddled: Blame Stokesy

In a world of austerity and belt-tightening, many in Britain are staring at uncertain times.

A cruel Tory government is launching a relentless attack on the poor and vulnerable, with the bedroom tax and hacking cuts to support services bringing misery to many.

But there's always someone worse off, so they say, and at present that someone appears to be Matt Lindsay.

Matt's a curious chap in that his writing is often surprisingly upbeat. Vying in healthy competition with his close colleague, Chris Jack, he has had a laudable tendency towards (royal) Blue Sky thinking, admittedly mostly when predicting halcyon days at Ibrox. (Giving succour to the suckers, you might say).

But in recent days Matt seems to have been turning lemonade back into lemons – and, not for the first time, Anthony Stokes is prompting the disharmony.

Stokesy, it seems could “start a fight in an empty hoose” but he has exceeded all previous expectations by creating conflict in the inner sanctuary of Matt's comfortably-furnished mind.

A mere fortnight ago, he was on fine form, lauding Mark Warburton's capture of two players from Accrington Stanley and mentioning a whole clutch of Celtic failures to boot.

This was Matt in his pomp. Sycophants have come and gone, tilting for his crown but Matt shows a deftness in his lionising of the club currently calling itself The Rangers, urging those with a less nuanced appreciation of the game to recognise the unique qualities of lower-division football.

Stokes:All mouth - no ambition

But in a matter of days, the bachal that is Stokes and Ronny Deila somehow contrived to upset the cart leaving Matt floundering under a deluge of them apples that he clearly doesn't like at all.

On Friday, he was citing Ronny's decision to loan Stokes to Hibs (after agreeing terms with at least two other clubs) as causing “Rangers concerns”, noting “the striker could help to prevent Rangers from winning promotion to the Premiership”.

“The switch has been queried by many in Scottish football,” he wrote without naming anyone who had queried the move outside his own swivel chair, “because Hibs are currently vying with Rangers, who are just five points clear in the second tier table with 16 games remaining, for a place in the top flight.”

Scurrilous stuff and the fact that other clubs should be allowed to strengthen their squads to challenge for the Championship title, is indeed cause for concern.

By today, Matt had found a new one of his not insubstantial broadsides to deliver. The fact that Stokes chose his former club suggests to Matt that Ronny: “had good reason to harbour misgivings” about Stokes.

“The fact the 27-year-old decided to go to a lower league club which is situated within a short commute of his West Lothian home leaves him open to accusations that he lacks ambition and a desire to resurrect his career,” Matt thwacked, apparently forgetting that Championship football is where its at and where the UK's most prolific goalscorer-cum-penalty-taker has his stamping ground.

“Is O’Neill going to be bowled over if he scores against Alloa or Dumbarton?” Matt asked, seeming to have forgotten that victories over such clubs have appeared to have got Matt very excited indeed in recent memory.

In questioning the ambition of a player choosing the Championship Matt sails dangerously close to the rocky waters of denigrating players at other lower-division teams.

Matt concluded that success or failure for Stokes would be disastrous for Deila: “But he is in a no-win situation here. If Stokes does shine at Hibs – and he started his time there in an encouraging fashion at the weekend when he came off the bench and scored in a 3-1 victory over St Mirren at Easter Road – it will give ammunition to those who maintained he should have been featuring all along at Celtic.”

But, something about the flimsiness of that barb seemed to suggest that our esteemed sportswriter had lost heart.

It is difficult to see how this can end well for Matt. Perhaps Michael O'Halloran will yet leave St Johnstone to sign for a Championship club and that might cheer him.

But, of course, much will depend on O'Halloran's ambition.

--